Caramel

Caramel Macy Bristow

June 7, 2005 - May 27, 2023 

My precious, beautiful Caramel died in my arms this past Saturday morning. She would have turned 18 this next week on June 7. Two years ago, in February 2021, she began having constant diarrhea and losing large amounts of weight. However, God answered my persistent prayer to save her and in September 2021 she started steroids and was healed from irritable bowel disease. I had a wonderful additional 1.5 years with her.

On Sunday May 14 I noticed a significant growth on her left back paw. I took her to a vet in Highland (Dr. Han didn't have openings that Monday) and she got x-rays, IV fluids, and antibiotics for the paw infection she had on top of it being a growth. I took her to Dr. Han on Tuesday and he was extremely concerned about her weight loss (about 4 pounds in 4 months) and she wasn't a candidate for surgery at that time because of the weight loss and the possibility of the cancer having spread to her lungs (which the x-ray suggested). He said he was pretty positive the growth on her foot was cancerous.

Her appetite had definitely decreased and continued to do so. I began keeping her alive by squirting high calorie food down her throat using a medicine dropper. But I quickly realized I was fighting a losing battle- she ate less and less on her own and it was impossible for me to give her enough. But her quality of life still seemed good, she cuddled with me every night, sleeping right next to me or sometimes on my chest.

Last week she continued to go down hill and was no longer able to jump up onto my bed (I lifted her up whenever she got down). On Friday morning, May 26, she went under the bed, and when I called to her she didn't come out so I had to crawl under and get her. I put her on the bed, and at that point I knew she wouldn't last much longer. I was afraid she would be dead when I got home from work in the afternoon, but she was not and I spent time with her. I had to go to the LLU SOM hooding ceremony in the evening. Caramel was still okay when I got home.

I cuddled with her and then laid her next to my head where she always liked to sleep, wrapping her in a blanket because I know she was having more trouble keeping herself warm the past couple weeks because I would sometimes find her sleeping under the covers during the day. She laid next to me pretty motionless with her eyes open all night, with my arm wrapped around her or touching her all night just like she likes. Each time I woke up I checked to see if she was still breathing.

On Saturday morning I woke up around 8am. I picked up Caramel to lay her in my lap, and at that point she was completely limp, unable to even hold her head up. I laid her in my lap, and a little before 8:30 she started having a little trouble breathing. She would stop breathing briefly and then take a loud, slightly struggling breath. At 8:49am I realized Caramel wasn't taking labored breaths any longer. She was dead. I laid her next to me on the bed, still wrapped in the blanket. Butterscotch was walking around during this whole time. After a little while I went to Michael's and bought paint, ink, canvas, and clay, then came home and made several different paw prints. Caramel felt cold and stiff when I got home from Michael's, around 11:20am.

I kept Caramel in the bed with me and Scotch all afternoon and we all slept and cuddled together. Scotch slept right up next to Caramel all day. At 4:45 before leaving for Sandals I put Caramel in a bag and put her in the freezer. The ground in my back yard is pretty hard and I didn't feel up to digging a hole at that point. I did what I felt like I could do at that point.

While I am heartbroken that Caramel is dead, her death was beautiful in a way. God answered my spoken and unspoken prayers. I desperately wanted Caramel to die at home (rather than her going downhill so much or suffering so I would have to take her to the vet to get her put to sleep) and for me to be there when she died. I didn't want her to die alone. And I prayed that she wouldn't suffer. And God gave me all of those things.

Caramel died at home, in the place where she feels safest and most comfortable, held by the person she loves more than anyone else in the world and who loves her the most and knows her best, with her twin sister right there, and she died quickly and peacefully (she just quietly stopped breathing). I can only hope to die as beautifully as Caramel did someday.

Quotes

Kids:

 

ACTS Kids: I asked my preschool/elementary class to spend some time listening for God's voice and to draw and picture depicting what they heard from God. Then we all took turns sharing our pictures. Jude (age 7) drew a picture with lots of flowers, trees, plants, and grass. He then shared the following: "I drew a picture of nature, because I love nature and God loves nature, so that's something we have in common and so we like to spend time together in nature."

 

My unofficial goddaughter Kataleiya (3.5 years) singing from her carseat in the back: "Jesus saved us, when no one else could, when we were stuck in the mud, in our princess dresses, and we were so, so hot..." At first it was all I could do to keep myself from dying of laughter, but as I thought about it, I realized she actually understands what Jesus did for us more than I realize. In her mind, one of the worst possible scenarios would be ruining one of her princess dresses (her most prized possessions). And while that isn't technically what Jesus saves us from, He does save us from our worst case scenario, and in her 3-year-old understanding, she gets it!

 

 

At work:

 

Karen: "So for Match Day, the students want to tie cardboard suitcases to the trees!"

 

Dr. Daniel: "Okay everyone! It's Covid Day!" Me: "Isn't every day Covid Day?" Dr. Daniel: "Oops. No. It's Soaking Day. For your orchids."

Overheard in the office

Me asking Kristian if a certain day might work for the surgery clerkship for Resilience Day...

Kristian: "No. There is no way at all ever!"

 

Karen: "Are you expecting a box filled with collapsed boxes?"

Jennifer: "You can never say no to a bucket list."

 

Lorelei: "Well, it tasted like it could have tasted good..."

 

Jennifer: "Look how cute this is!" 

Me: "Oh is that from your Christmas stocking?" 

Jennifer (completely serious): "No it's from the trash!"

Me to Amy: FYI It seems like Dr. Codorniz is running rather behind. He still has an entire student waiting to see him.

Amy: An ENTIRE student! Glad it's not half a student

COVID Quotes:

 

Jonathan (after flying): "But there was this 90-year-old guy on my flight. He basically looked like a walking pre-existing condition!"

 

Dr. Lamberton (comes out of his office without his mask): "Oh dear me, I think I better get my mask!"

 

Rosalyn: "Hi Alane, how are you?" 

Me: "Good, how are you?" 

Rosalyn: "I'm here."

 

I turn the calendar to October. Me: "I wonder what fresh new circle of hell this month has in store for us!"

 

Me: "Oh I'm having my worst nightmare...well one of my worst nightmares..." 

Debbie: "Working here is a nightmare."

 

Me: "Dr. Codorniz, do you think you're going to be doing any awkward dancing at any holiday parties? It's on the bingo calendar." 

Dr. C: "Actually I can't help you there because my dancing is not awkward, it's actually super awesome!"

My cracked cell phone screen

I dropped my cell phone at Disneyland last Saturday and the screen cracked. Again. I bought this phone less than a month ago to replace the iPhone 5 that I dropped one too many times and whose screen had cracked so many times that it had become irreparable due to the backlight breaking. I felt so ashamed standing there staring at the broken screen, realizing I had somehow managed to break yet another phone screen.

Today I walked into the cell phone repair shop yet again, and the guy behind the counter pleasantly smiled and said, "What can I do for you Alane?"  He literally knows me by name at this point.  Without a word of criticism or judgment, he had my phone repaired in less than an hour.

This evening as I sat listening to worship music and was spending time reflecting on my life and thinking of how many times I have messed up this past year, I was obviously also still feeling slightly guilty over the cell phone incident.  And then I began to see a small parallel between the two.

 

When we finally come to God with whatever situation we may find ourselves in, it is sort of like the cell phone guy - God doesn't say, "I can't believe you did this again!" but instead is ready to wash away our sin and make things new again.  And God doesn't even charge us to fix things - because Jesus already paid the price for us.

Privilege

I love this video.  Every single one of the above statements is true of me, and yet as the video states, I did nothing to earn or deserve those advantages.  Simply by being born in this country we are already so far ahead of so many other people.

When you did it for one of the least of these…

The above phrase, and the surrounding verses, keep playing through my head.  I have a friend, who I have known for about 9 years now.  She is currently homeless, and has been for about 3.5 years now, largely because of poor choices.  She was addicted to drugs for many years, but she and her boyfriend have been completely clean for 10.5 months now and are very close to regaining custody of their 10 month old baby girl.  They just have to find a place to live.  They are currently living in their car and get visits with the baby twice a week.

Anyway, over the past few years I have set boundaries – no, you cannot move in with me, I will not loan or give you money, I will gladly get you something to eat if you are hungry, etc.  Recently, they have frequently asked me if they can take showers at my house.  I let them do this once, but it's not something I really feel comfortable with.  So now I make up excuses (which are usually true) whenever they ask to take showers…I got home late, I’m tired, etc.  And to be honest I really don’t like other people taking showers in my shower anyway.  I never have.  I don’t really want to let them take showers at my house.  It’s an inconvenience.

 

But then there’s that little piece of me that feels guilty.  It’s been really cold here lately.  It’s been in the 30’s the last couple days when I’ve driven to work in the mornings.  There was a sheet of ice frozen on my windshield the last two days.  And when I get home to my nice warm house with my heater to sleep in my nice comfy warm bed at night I can’t help but think, I don’t deserve any of these things…yes, I go to work every day and know how to save money and pay my bills, but I didn’t do anything to deserve being born into an upper class two parent family, where I never had to go hungry, never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from, never had to not feel safe, was never exposed to violence, graduated high school, graduated college (which was paid for), never experienced prejudice or discrimination, was never abused…

And what about these verses? "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” (Matthew 25:35-40)

It just makes me wonder what Jesus would truly want me to do. I feel like maybe there is no easy answer sometimes.
 

Life these days

Nearly 5 years later. Not a lot has changed and yet so much has. I am five years older. I have lost my best friend, the best friend I have ever had. I have a new job. I work for the School of Medicine at Loma Linda University, the same school of medicine that I attempted to attend four times. Attempted and failed four times. But God is the God of Restoring and Renewing. Not always in the way we expect or want, but somehow working here has been extremely restorative. I am on the other side of things now, but I have a much deeper understanding of what it is like being a student.