Caramel

Caramel Macy Bristow

June 7, 2005 - May 27, 2023 

My precious, beautiful Caramel died in my arms this past Saturday morning. She would have turned 18 this next week on June 7. Two years ago, in February 2021, she began having constant diarrhea and losing large amounts of weight. However, God answered my persistent prayer to save her and in September 2021 she started steroids and was healed from irritable bowel disease. I had a wonderful additional 1.5 years with her.

On Sunday May 14 I noticed a significant growth on her left back paw. I took her to a vet in Highland (Dr. Han didn't have openings that Monday) and she got x-rays, IV fluids, and antibiotics for the paw infection she had on top of it being a growth. I took her to Dr. Han on Tuesday and he was extremely concerned about her weight loss (about 4 pounds in 4 months) and she wasn't a candidate for surgery at that time because of the weight loss and the possibility of the cancer having spread to her lungs (which the x-ray suggested). He said he was pretty positive the growth on her foot was cancerous.

Her appetite had definitely decreased and continued to do so. I began keeping her alive by squirting high calorie food down her throat using a medicine dropper. But I quickly realized I was fighting a losing battle- she ate less and less on her own and it was impossible for me to give her enough. But her quality of life still seemed good, she cuddled with me every night, sleeping right next to me or sometimes on my chest.

Last week she continued to go down hill and was no longer able to jump up onto my bed (I lifted her up whenever she got down). On Friday morning, May 26, she went under the bed, and when I called to her she didn't come out so I had to crawl under and get her. I put her on the bed, and at that point I knew she wouldn't last much longer. I was afraid she would be dead when I got home from work in the afternoon, but she was not and I spent time with her. I had to go to the LLU SOM hooding ceremony in the evening. Caramel was still okay when I got home.

I cuddled with her and then laid her next to my head where she always liked to sleep, wrapping her in a blanket because I know she was having more trouble keeping herself warm the past couple weeks because I would sometimes find her sleeping under the covers during the day. She laid next to me pretty motionless with her eyes open all night, with my arm wrapped around her or touching her all night just like she likes. Each time I woke up I checked to see if she was still breathing.

On Saturday morning I woke up around 8am. I picked up Caramel to lay her in my lap, and at that point she was completely limp, unable to even hold her head up. I laid her in my lap, and a little before 8:30 she started having a little trouble breathing. She would stop breathing briefly and then take a loud, slightly struggling breath. At 8:49am I realized Caramel wasn't taking labored breaths any longer. She was dead. I laid her next to me on the bed, still wrapped in the blanket. Butterscotch was walking around during this whole time. After a little while I went to Michael's and bought paint, ink, canvas, and clay, then came home and made several different paw prints. Caramel felt cold and stiff when I got home from Michael's, around 11:20am.

I kept Caramel in the bed with me and Scotch all afternoon and we all slept and cuddled together. Scotch slept right up next to Caramel all day. At 4:45 before leaving for Sandals I put Caramel in a bag and put her in the freezer. The ground in my back yard is pretty hard and I didn't feel up to digging a hole at that point. I did what I felt like I could do at that point.

While I am heartbroken that Caramel is dead, her death was beautiful in a way. God answered my spoken and unspoken prayers. I desperately wanted Caramel to die at home (rather than her going downhill so much or suffering so I would have to take her to the vet to get her put to sleep) and for me to be there when she died. I didn't want her to die alone. And I prayed that she wouldn't suffer. And God gave me all of those things.

Caramel died at home, in the place where she feels safest and most comfortable, held by the person she loves more than anyone else in the world and who loves her the most and knows her best, with her twin sister right there, and she died quickly and peacefully (she just quietly stopped breathing). I can only hope to die as beautifully as Caramel did someday.

Quotes

Kids:

 

ACTS Kids: I asked my preschool/elementary class to spend some time listening for God's voice and to draw and picture depicting what they heard from God. Then we all took turns sharing our pictures. Jude (age 7) drew a picture with lots of flowers, trees, plants, and grass. He then shared the following: "I drew a picture of nature, because I love nature and God loves nature, so that's something we have in common and so we like to spend time together in nature."

 

My unofficial goddaughter Kataleiya (3.5 years) singing from her carseat in the back: "Jesus saved us, when no one else could, when we were stuck in the mud, in our princess dresses, and we were so, so hot..." At first it was all I could do to keep myself from dying of laughter, but as I thought about it, I realized she actually understands what Jesus did for us more than I realize. In her mind, one of the worst possible scenarios would be ruining one of her princess dresses (her most prized possessions). And while that isn't technically what Jesus saves us from, He does save us from our worst case scenario, and in her 3-year-old understanding, she gets it!

 

 

At work:

 

Karen: "So for Match Day, the students want to tie cardboard suitcases to the trees!"

 

Dr. Daniel: "Okay everyone! It's Covid Day!" Me: "Isn't every day Covid Day?" Dr. Daniel: "Oops. No. It's Soaking Day. For your orchids."

Overheard in the office

Me asking Kristian if a certain day might work for the surgery clerkship for Resilience Day...

Kristian: "No. There is no way at all ever!"

 

Karen: "Are you expecting a box filled with collapsed boxes?"

Jennifer: "You can never say no to a bucket list."

 

Lorelei: "Well, it tasted like it could have tasted good..."

 

Jennifer: "Look how cute this is!" 

Me: "Oh is that from your Christmas stocking?" 

Jennifer (completely serious): "No it's from the trash!"

Me to Amy: FYI It seems like Dr. Codorniz is running rather behind. He still has an entire student waiting to see him.

Amy: An ENTIRE student! Glad it's not half a student

COVID Quotes:

 

Jonathan (after flying): "But there was this 90-year-old guy on my flight. He basically looked like a walking pre-existing condition!"

 

Dr. Lamberton (comes out of his office without his mask): "Oh dear me, I think I better get my mask!"

 

Rosalyn: "Hi Alane, how are you?" 

Me: "Good, how are you?" 

Rosalyn: "I'm here."

 

I turn the calendar to October. Me: "I wonder what fresh new circle of hell this month has in store for us!"

 

Me: "Oh I'm having my worst nightmare...well one of my worst nightmares..." 

Debbie: "Working here is a nightmare."

 

Me: "Dr. Codorniz, do you think you're going to be doing any awkward dancing at any holiday parties? It's on the bingo calendar." 

Dr. C: "Actually I can't help you there because my dancing is not awkward, it's actually super awesome!"

My cracked cell phone screen

I dropped my cell phone at Disneyland last Saturday and the screen cracked. Again. I bought this phone less than a month ago to replace the iPhone 5 that I dropped one too many times and whose screen had cracked so many times that it had become irreparable due to the backlight breaking. I felt so ashamed standing there staring at the broken screen, realizing I had somehow managed to break yet another phone screen.

Today I walked into the cell phone repair shop yet again, and the guy behind the counter pleasantly smiled and said, "What can I do for you Alane?"  He literally knows me by name at this point.  Without a word of criticism or judgment, he had my phone repaired in less than an hour.

This evening as I sat listening to worship music and was spending time reflecting on my life and thinking of how many times I have messed up this past year, I was obviously also still feeling slightly guilty over the cell phone incident.  And then I began to see a small parallel between the two.

 

When we finally come to God with whatever situation we may find ourselves in, it is sort of like the cell phone guy - God doesn't say, "I can't believe you did this again!" but instead is ready to wash away our sin and make things new again.  And God doesn't even charge us to fix things - because Jesus already paid the price for us.

Privilege

I love this video.  Every single one of the above statements is true of me, and yet as the video states, I did nothing to earn or deserve those advantages.  Simply by being born in this country we are already so far ahead of so many other people.

When you did it for one of the least of these…

The above phrase, and the surrounding verses, keep playing through my head.  I have a friend, who I have known for about 9 years now.  She is currently homeless, and has been for about 3.5 years now, largely because of poor choices.  She was addicted to drugs for many years, but she and her boyfriend have been completely clean for 10.5 months now and are very close to regaining custody of their 10 month old baby girl.  They just have to find a place to live.  They are currently living in their car and get visits with the baby twice a week.

Anyway, over the past few years I have set boundaries – no, you cannot move in with me, I will not loan or give you money, I will gladly get you something to eat if you are hungry, etc.  Recently, they have frequently asked me if they can take showers at my house.  I let them do this once, but it's not something I really feel comfortable with.  So now I make up excuses (which are usually true) whenever they ask to take showers…I got home late, I’m tired, etc.  And to be honest I really don’t like other people taking showers in my shower anyway.  I never have.  I don’t really want to let them take showers at my house.  It’s an inconvenience.

 

But then there’s that little piece of me that feels guilty.  It’s been really cold here lately.  It’s been in the 30’s the last couple days when I’ve driven to work in the mornings.  There was a sheet of ice frozen on my windshield the last two days.  And when I get home to my nice warm house with my heater to sleep in my nice comfy warm bed at night I can’t help but think, I don’t deserve any of these things…yes, I go to work every day and know how to save money and pay my bills, but I didn’t do anything to deserve being born into an upper class two parent family, where I never had to go hungry, never had to worry about where my next meal was coming from, never had to not feel safe, was never exposed to violence, graduated high school, graduated college (which was paid for), never experienced prejudice or discrimination, was never abused…

And what about these verses? "For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” (Matthew 25:35-40)

It just makes me wonder what Jesus would truly want me to do. I feel like maybe there is no easy answer sometimes.
 

Life these days

Nearly 5 years later. Not a lot has changed and yet so much has. I am five years older. I have lost my best friend, the best friend I have ever had. I have a new job. I work for the School of Medicine at Loma Linda University, the same school of medicine that I attempted to attend four times. Attempted and failed four times. But God is the God of Restoring and Renewing. Not always in the way we expect or want, but somehow working here has been extremely restorative. I am on the other side of things now, but I have a much deeper understanding of what it is like being a student.

Things that bring me joy

~ Sunsets ~ Holding a baby ~ Washing clothes (for some reason washing machines just fascinate me ~ Cats ~ Music ~

Did I make the right choice?

Back in September I stopped working as a nanny after caring for twins, Zachary and Kiera, for the previous 16 months. I started watching them when they were 3 months old and spent about 50 hours with them each week. I met all their basic needs (fed, changed, played with, cared for, and loved them), went to all their doctor appointments with them, took them to their baby enrichment classes and library story time, and saw many of their milestones. I felt Kiera's first tooth, saw Zach roll over for the first time, and I was the one who they both took their first steps to. I was the one they came to when they got hurt or wanted to be loved on. I spent more of their waking hours with them each week than their parents did. They were super attached to me and I was really attached to them. I was the only one, besides their parents, that they let hold them without crying.
In August I decided I was ready for something more challenging and intellectually stimulating, and began applying to other jobs. I was quickly hired and began working with autistic children in September. At the time I was tired of spending all my time with babies, the pay wasn't great (about $10/hour), I wanted more flexible hours, etc. And for the first couple months I was glad with the choice I had made. I went and saw the twins (and Thasia and Joshua) in November. It was wonderful seeing them, but it was bittersweet at the same time...I was no longer the one they went to when they needed a cuddle, they had met milestones that I hadn't seen and gotten taller and older, and I was replaced by a new nanny. And then a couple weeks ago I babysat the four kids for the day. It was wonderful and so much fun. And it made me realize just how much I miss them. I am no longer an integral part of their lives. And that makes me sad.
I enjoy working with the autistic kids I have as clients, and can see the difference I am making in many of their lives. But I miss my twins. A lot.

It's So Easy Not to Try (Return of the King)

Things I never seem to be able to keep track of

...no matter how many of them I buy:
1. Scissors
2. Tape (scotch, packing, and duct tape)
3. Sunglasses (not helped by the fact that I seem to break pairs of sunglasses almost as fast as I buy them)
4. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen
5. Colored ballpoint pens
6. Socks
7. Gum

New Year's Resolutions

This year I made four new year's resolutions.
1. Lose 30 pounds
2. Learn sign language
3. Visit a new country I haven't been to before
4. Be more careful with my words so I don't hurt people with what I say (that was the gist of it)

So far
1. I've lost about 5 pounds
2. Well, there is Mommy and Me Sign Language with the twins...
3. No plans yet. Vonetta wants to go to Canada but I don't think the timing will work out.
4. So far a dismal failure

My bad day

- First, I spilled an entire container of balsamic vinaigrette in the doorway and front porch of my house as I was getting ready for work (and as a result, the entryway is still a cross between an oil slick and a sticky mess and the front porch looks like someone bled out)
- As a result of the above, I was three minutes late to work
- I had to listen to over an hour of crying at work
- I tripped over a stroller and cut my toe
- My sunglasses broke
- I had a terrible headache that lasted for over 6 hours and was so bad I nearly threw up
- As I result of the above, I left church super early, went home and went to bed at 6:30pm and slept till 6:30 the next morning (thank you seroquel!)
And thankfully, that was the end of the bad day

This past week

Things I have done for the first time:
- Changed a crib sheet
- Trimmed a baby's finger nails (and just for the record, I successfully cut all 10 fingernails without cutting any of his fingers)

Things I have wondered:
- Why no one has invented a device to hold a pacifier in a baby's mouth
- Why no one has invented some kind of spit up catching device for babies who spit up a lot
[And yes, these are rhetorical questions, no need to actually answer them]

I never thought of it like that...

So last week at Elevate (young adult Bible study) the topic was Eschatology and we were talking about the Final Judgment. Using Rev 20:11-15, we were looking at who would be judged. And when we got to the part about unbelievers being judged and thrown into the lake of fire Kevin just happened to mention that believers would be present. And I said wait, you mean we have to witness people being sentenced to eternity in hell??? I had never thought of it that vividly before, and I was stunned. To think of having to watch actual people getting sent to hell made me feel practically sick. And I haven't been able to get the thought out of my mind since. I also haven't been able to stop thinking about all the times I haven't shared Christ with people... In essence I'm doing the same thing then. By not sharing the way to heaven with the lost it is pretty much the same as watching them get sent to hell.
Lord, help me to always keep this thought at the front of my mind and remember what actually lasts in my conversations with others.

My car

Me at the car place two weeks ago:
Me: The car is leaking oil
Car place: The cap was just loose, it’s fine
Me: Really? It has been leaking a lot of oil
Car place: Yeah it’s fine

I call the car place yesterday:
Me: I am 99% sure the car is still leaking oil
Car place [not too concerned]: Well I guess you can bring it back in tomorrow if you want

Me at the car place today:
Car place: So there’s a leak in the front engine, it’s leaking quite a bit of oil, do you need the car for the weekend? We don’t want to let it go too long because it might do more damage…
Me: Well if you remember when I brought the car in for an oil change two weeks ago I told you it was leaking oil and y’all assured me it was just a loose cap, and I told you I was actually pretty sure it was more than just a loose cap…
Car place: Oh. That’s right.

Tomorrow...

This Gloria Estefan song says "But there's always tomorrow to start over again..." But it doesn't really work like that. I actually feel like tomorrow (or at least the concept of tomorrow) is my worst enemy. I am a chronic procrastinator. Every day when I waste time and don't get anything done, I end the day promising myself that tomorrow will be different, that I'll study tomorrow, be productive, get stuff done, make up for all the time I wasted today. And yet it never happens like that, because the next day I tell myself the same thing. "There's always tomorrow". And I guess there always will be. Except that every tomorrow is exactly like the one before. Which is why I never accomplish anything...

This week

I seriously don't feel like I can make it through the next week. My cat, Peter, has an inoperable brain tumor. It started out as him walking around the house randomly meowing for hours at a time about 7 weeks ago and has progressed to him turning in circles, having difficulty walking (left-sided hemiparesis), difficulty eating, blindness in his left eye and unilateral pupillary dilation (mydriasis), confusion, etc. My heart breaks for him. And I am experiencing all of this from afar. Petey is at my parents' house, 400 miles away. I'm glad he is there, he has lived there for his entire almost 13 years with his three adoring sisters (litter-mates). They were actually born on the roof of our house. I just wish I were there. Oh how desperately I wish I were there. At this point I just hope he lives long enough that I can see him one more time when I fly home this Friday. Five more days.
As if all that weren't hard enough, I have a week full of exams ahead of me. Exams that I have not studied nearly enough for and that I feel like I am about to miserably fail. And I already had some serious recovering to do from the last set of exams! Seriously, my life is just one big disaster right now.

I can't do this

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Coffee Shop Etiquette

1. Do not be obnoxiously loud. This includes overly loud talking, laughing, arguing, and rearranging. Whether I am studying or not is irrelevent.

2. Don't bring in take-out from other places. Especially if it smells.

3. PDA. Enough said. No one wants to see it.

4. If you bring your baby, don't ignore it while it screams in its stroller for 20 minutes. Furthermore, don't ignore your toddler while it runs around wild making a mess. This coming from someone who loves babies and has brought babies and toddlers to coffee shops, please consider those around you.

5. This is not an office. No one around you wants to hear you make dozens of business phone calls.

6. Don't take up multiple tables with massive amounts of stuff when the place is crowded. That is just rude.

7. If it looks like I am studying, I probably am. Therefore, I probably don't want to have a 30 minute conversation with some random person.