Life these days

Nearly 5 years later. Not a lot has changed and yet so much has. I am five years older. I have lost my best friend, the best friend I have ever had. I have a new job. I work for the School of Medicine at Loma Linda University, the same school of medicine that I attempted to attend four times. Attempted and failed four times. But God is the God of Restoring and Renewing. Not always in the way we expect or want, but somehow working here has been extremely restorative. I am on the other side of things now, but I have a much deeper understanding of what it is like being a student.

Things that bring me joy

~ Sunsets ~ Holding a baby ~ Washing clothes (for some reason washing machines just fascinate me ~ Cats ~ Music ~

Did I make the right choice?

Back in September I stopped working as a nanny after caring for twins, Zachary and Kiera, for the previous 16 months. I started watching them when they were 3 months old and spent about 50 hours with them each week. I met all their basic needs (fed, changed, played with, cared for, and loved them), went to all their doctor appointments with them, took them to their baby enrichment classes and library story time, and saw many of their milestones. I felt Kiera's first tooth, saw Zach roll over for the first time, and I was the one who they both took their first steps to. I was the one they came to when they got hurt or wanted to be loved on. I spent more of their waking hours with them each week than their parents did. They were super attached to me and I was really attached to them. I was the only one, besides their parents, that they let hold them without crying.
In August I decided I was ready for something more challenging and intellectually stimulating, and began applying to other jobs. I was quickly hired and began working with autistic children in September. At the time I was tired of spending all my time with babies, the pay wasn't great (about $10/hour), I wanted more flexible hours, etc. And for the first couple months I was glad with the choice I had made. I went and saw the twins (and Thasia and Joshua) in November. It was wonderful seeing them, but it was bittersweet at the same time...I was no longer the one they went to when they needed a cuddle, they had met milestones that I hadn't seen and gotten taller and older, and I was replaced by a new nanny. And then a couple weeks ago I babysat the four kids for the day. It was wonderful and so much fun. And it made me realize just how much I miss them. I am no longer an integral part of their lives. And that makes me sad.
I enjoy working with the autistic kids I have as clients, and can see the difference I am making in many of their lives. But I miss my twins. A lot.

It's So Easy Not to Try (Return of the King)

Things I never seem to be able to keep track of

...no matter how many of them I buy:
1. Scissors
2. Tape (scotch, packing, and duct tape)
3. Sunglasses (not helped by the fact that I seem to break pairs of sunglasses almost as fast as I buy them)
4. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen
5. Colored ballpoint pens
6. Socks
7. Gum

New Year's Resolutions

This year I made four new year's resolutions.
1. Lose 30 pounds
2. Learn sign language
3. Visit a new country I haven't been to before
4. Be more careful with my words so I don't hurt people with what I say (that was the gist of it)

So far
1. I've lost about 5 pounds
2. Well, there is Mommy and Me Sign Language with the twins...
3. No plans yet. Vonetta wants to go to Canada but I don't think the timing will work out.
4. So far a dismal failure

My bad day

- First, I spilled an entire container of balsamic vinaigrette in the doorway and front porch of my house as I was getting ready for work (and as a result, the entryway is still a cross between an oil slick and a sticky mess and the front porch looks like someone bled out)
- As a result of the above, I was three minutes late to work
- I had to listen to over an hour of crying at work
- I tripped over a stroller and cut my toe
- My sunglasses broke
- I had a terrible headache that lasted for over 6 hours and was so bad I nearly threw up
- As I result of the above, I left church super early, went home and went to bed at 6:30pm and slept till 6:30 the next morning (thank you seroquel!)
And thankfully, that was the end of the bad day

This past week

Things I have done for the first time:
- Changed a crib sheet
- Trimmed a baby's finger nails (and just for the record, I successfully cut all 10 fingernails without cutting any of his fingers)

Things I have wondered:
- Why no one has invented a device to hold a pacifier in a baby's mouth
- Why no one has invented some kind of spit up catching device for babies who spit up a lot
[And yes, these are rhetorical questions, no need to actually answer them]

I never thought of it like that...

So last week at Elevate (young adult Bible study) the topic was Eschatology and we were talking about the Final Judgment. Using Rev 20:11-15, we were looking at who would be judged. And when we got to the part about unbelievers being judged and thrown into the lake of fire Kevin just happened to mention that believers would be present. And I said wait, you mean we have to witness people being sentenced to eternity in hell??? I had never thought of it that vividly before, and I was stunned. To think of having to watch actual people getting sent to hell made me feel practically sick. And I haven't been able to get the thought out of my mind since. I also haven't been able to stop thinking about all the times I haven't shared Christ with people... In essence I'm doing the same thing then. By not sharing the way to heaven with the lost it is pretty much the same as watching them get sent to hell.
Lord, help me to always keep this thought at the front of my mind and remember what actually lasts in my conversations with others.

My car

Me at the car place two weeks ago:
Me: The car is leaking oil
Car place: The cap was just loose, it’s fine
Me: Really? It has been leaking a lot of oil
Car place: Yeah it’s fine

I call the car place yesterday:
Me: I am 99% sure the car is still leaking oil
Car place [not too concerned]: Well I guess you can bring it back in tomorrow if you want

Me at the car place today:
Car place: So there’s a leak in the front engine, it’s leaking quite a bit of oil, do you need the car for the weekend? We don’t want to let it go too long because it might do more damage…
Me: Well if you remember when I brought the car in for an oil change two weeks ago I told you it was leaking oil and y’all assured me it was just a loose cap, and I told you I was actually pretty sure it was more than just a loose cap…
Car place: Oh. That’s right.

Tomorrow...

This Gloria Estefan song says "But there's always tomorrow to start over again..." But it doesn't really work like that. I actually feel like tomorrow (or at least the concept of tomorrow) is my worst enemy. I am a chronic procrastinator. Every day when I waste time and don't get anything done, I end the day promising myself that tomorrow will be different, that I'll study tomorrow, be productive, get stuff done, make up for all the time I wasted today. And yet it never happens like that, because the next day I tell myself the same thing. "There's always tomorrow". And I guess there always will be. Except that every tomorrow is exactly like the one before. Which is why I never accomplish anything...

This week

I seriously don't feel like I can make it through the next week. My cat, Peter, has an inoperable brain tumor. It started out as him walking around the house randomly meowing for hours at a time about 7 weeks ago and has progressed to him turning in circles, having difficulty walking (left-sided hemiparesis), difficulty eating, blindness in his left eye and unilateral pupillary dilation (mydriasis), confusion, etc. My heart breaks for him. And I am experiencing all of this from afar. Petey is at my parents' house, 400 miles away. I'm glad he is there, he has lived there for his entire almost 13 years with his three adoring sisters (litter-mates). They were actually born on the roof of our house. I just wish I were there. Oh how desperately I wish I were there. At this point I just hope he lives long enough that I can see him one more time when I fly home this Friday. Five more days.
As if all that weren't hard enough, I have a week full of exams ahead of me. Exams that I have not studied nearly enough for and that I feel like I am about to miserably fail. And I already had some serious recovering to do from the last set of exams! Seriously, my life is just one big disaster right now.

I can't do this

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Coffee Shop Etiquette

1. Do not be obnoxiously loud. This includes overly loud talking, laughing, arguing, and rearranging. Whether I am studying or not is irrelevent.

2. Don't bring in take-out from other places. Especially if it smells.

3. PDA. Enough said. No one wants to see it.

4. If you bring your baby, don't ignore it while it screams in its stroller for 20 minutes. Furthermore, don't ignore your toddler while it runs around wild making a mess. This coming from someone who loves babies and has brought babies and toddlers to coffee shops, please consider those around you.

5. This is not an office. No one around you wants to hear you make dozens of business phone calls.

6. Don't take up multiple tables with massive amounts of stuff when the place is crowded. That is just rude.

7. If it looks like I am studying, I probably am. Therefore, I probably don't want to have a 30 minute conversation with some random person.

Protecting myself

Recently, I have found myself saying things like "If I'm still in med school after Christmas...", "If I don't pass these exams the school of medicine may not let me continue..." and such more and more often, even to people who don't know my history. And I was realizing this evening that it's because I'm scared, and I'm trying to protect myself as much as I can from the pain that I know is inevitable if I don't make it. Now, unlike other years, I think that there is actually a fairly strong possibility that I will make it.

While the thought of failing is scary, I realized tonight that passing is just a little bit scary too. I have only been this far once before. And pretty soon I will be in completely uncharted territory. A little bit scary, yes, but also a little exciting. I do really really want to succeed. More than ever before.

Choices

Every day of my life is filled with choices, from the moment I wake up in the morning till the time I fall asleep at night...


Do I sleep for 10 more minutes or get up and take a shower?


Do I really want to be on time to class or can I sleep for 15 more minutes?


Do I listen actively during class and take good notes, or do I {chat with my neighbor/text/journal/facebook/email} during class?


What about lunch? The options are practically endless here...bring food (although that choice would have had to be made way earlier, like back when I was deciding how long to sleep in), buy food from the vending machine, go out (alone or with friends), go home and eat, skip lunch altogether...


The afternoon...nap, study, facebook, run errands, clean? Again, endless options.


And then, do I work out or not?


When do I start studying, where do I study, and for how long?

The most productive day in recent history

Today I:
-Slept in
-Took a shower
-Went to church
-Patched 1 1/2 pairs of jeans
-Hung out with a friend
-Studied for 5 hours
-Took out the trash
-Cleaned the cat litter boxes
-Went to the gym
And am still going to bed at a decent hour. :)

Thankfulness, part 3

I am thankful for...

11-17-11
The Centennial Complex study rooms.

11-18-11
My physician mentor, Amy.

11-19-11
The older sister that God picked just for me and the wonderful example that she is to me.

11-20-11
The rain.

11-21-11
My anatomy lab group. They are so hilarious and fun.

11-22-11
Margaret.

11-23-11
A fun afternoon and evening with Will.

11-24-11
The best Thanksgiving ever, thanks to the class of 2015.

Thankfulness, part 2

I am thankful for…

11-9-11
Dr. Lewis. He is the reason that I am here and I love love love his lectures!

11-10-11
A fun study group and knowledgeable classmates.

11-11-11
Getting out of class one hour early (thank you Dr. Wilcox!).

11-12-11
Chris Adair, his amazing ability to explain heart sounds and murmurs, and his willingness to spend time helping me (in the midst of his very busy third year).

11-13-11
Getting to take a nap.

11-14-11
Dr. Oberg giving everyone credit for question #7 (meaning I am now passing embryo!).

11-15-11
A fun PDX cardio lab.

11-16-11
Dr. Shankel (she is so nice and encouraging!).

Thankfulness, part 1

I am thankful for…

11-1-11
An amazing friend who was willing to spend the night at my crazy messy house last night and help me study for exams this morning!

11-2-11
All the absolutely wonderful and amazingly supportive friends I have in med school this year. Best.Class.Ever. (And I seriously thought I would never say that after the Class of ___).

The fact that I am still passing cell structure and function.

11-3-11
Med school friends who are willing to go over stuff multiple times for me.

11-4-11
Being done with exams.

11-5-11
For sleep and good friends to hang out with.

11-6-11
All the babies I got to snuggle in the nursery today.

11-7-11
Dr. Wilcox (and the fact that he just threw out three exam questions, all of which I had gotten wrong, raising my score by 4%).

11-8-11
Getting to snuggle and play with Baby Joseph.