Protecting myself

Recently, I have found myself saying things like "If I'm still in med school after Christmas...", "If I don't pass these exams the school of medicine may not let me continue..." and such more and more often, even to people who don't know my history. And I was realizing this evening that it's because I'm scared, and I'm trying to protect myself as much as I can from the pain that I know is inevitable if I don't make it. Now, unlike other years, I think that there is actually a fairly strong possibility that I will make it.

While the thought of failing is scary, I realized tonight that passing is just a little bit scary too. I have only been this far once before. And pretty soon I will be in completely uncharted territory. A little bit scary, yes, but also a little exciting. I do really really want to succeed. More than ever before.

"Made to Praise"

LOVE this song!

6 months

Exactly 6 months ago I was sitting through the first day of medical school orientation...And now, 6 months later, I find myself eerily in almost the exact same spot I was in at this time last year. Nannying again, waiting, planning to go back to medical school next year. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined 6 months ago where I would be today. (Well okay, to be completely honest, I did know that it was a possibility that things wouldn't work out the way I wanted them to, yet again, but I didn't really think that would happen).


So now, instead of spending my days going to lectures, dissecting cadavers, locating cells in histo lab, and studying nearly every waking minute, I find myself spending my days changing diapers, reading stories, watching Veggie Tales and Tinkerbell, playing at the park, going to the zoo, potty training, making sandwiches, preparing bottles and sippy cups, and taking a stroller and diaper bag with me everywhere I go. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE babies and want nothing more than to have one of my own...this just isn't how I imagined I'd be spending my time this year.
Still waiting and trying to figure out what your plan for my life is Lord...

God's plan

"Just think, you're here not by chance, but by God's choosing.
His hand formed you and made you the person you are.
He compares you to no one else - you are one of a kind.
You lack nothing that His grace can't give you.
He has allowed you to be here at this time in history to

fulfill His special purpose for this generation."
-Roy Lessin

My Baptism ~ March 21, 2010, Centerpoint Church

God knows

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:16
I came across this verse today, and it just encouraged me to think of how God knows everything that has and will happen in my life...nothing in my life surprises him. He has a perfect plan for my life and knows exactly what is best for me.

Happy Easter!

On the first day of the week, very early in the morning, the women took the spices they had prepared and went to the tomb. They found the stone rolled away from the tomb, but when they entered, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. While they were wondering about this, suddenly two men in clothes that gleamed like lightning stood beside them. In their fright the women bowed down with their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee: 'The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.' " Then they remembered his words.
-Luke 24:1-8

a word of life

"God is higher than anything and anyone,
outshining everything you can see in the skies.
Who can compare with God, our God,
so majestically enthroned,
Surveying his magnificent
heavens and earth?
He picks up the poor from out of the dirt,
rescues the wretched who've been thrown out with the trash,
Seats them among the honored guests,
a place of honor among the brightest and best.
He gives childless couples a family,
gives them joy as the parents of children.
Hallelujah!"
(Psalm 113:4-9, The Message)

Beauty for Ashes?

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me...to grant consolation & joy to those who mourn in Zion - to give them a garland of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, & failing spirit - that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61.1 & 3

These past several years have been so difficult in so many ways. If I could have known three years ago at the start of medical school, or five years ago when I started at Westmont, where I would be today, I don't think I could have handled it. In fact, I know I couldn't have. There is a reason we cannot see or know what the future holds. At this point, consider how the past few years have been, I wouldn't want to know the future even if I could. I keep waiting for the "beauty for ashes", to see how this puzzle fits together, to figure out the why of all this pain. But I may never know this side of heaven, and things may never get any better or easier...Which is kind of hard to swallow

Praising God through the hard times

These past two weeks have been hard...not for any particular reason, just in general. Yesterday I was really struggling with how to stop feeling so down and depressed, and I sensed God saying, "Praise me in spite of the difficult times". Even though it is hard to want to praise God when things aren't going the way I want them to, it can make all the difference in the world. In fact, it is really the only way to get through tough times. My first inclination is usually to pull away from God in anger whenever things don't go my way, but I have to remember that I don't have to feel like praising God in order to do it, and He really does have my best interest at heart.

Suffering...

Why is there such suffering in the world? Why is life so hard?
I'd been struggling with these thoughts, and just generally been feeling depressed, when I stumbled upon the following:

"He is sovereign...I trust God's reasons. I love Him (because He first loved me) and I am committed to trusting His unknown reasons. I praise You, Lord, for what is unknown to me. You know all, You love and have chosen me, therefore Your decisions for my life are acts of provision and love. You are always right and just. I worship You. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Help me to be so trusting, Lord.

Emerson Grace

The youth pastor at my church, Jason, and his wife, Kristin, had their second baby on January 6, 2008, at just 26 weeks gestation, 14 weeks premature. She weighed just 2 lbs. 2.4 oz, and was 13.78 inches long at birth. Emerson fought hard, and was doing well until Sunday afternoon, when she developed NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) and her bowel perforated, and she died Monday at 12:20pm. She weighed 4 lbs. 14 oz. when she died, and prior to the sudden complications would have gotten to go home in another week or so. She lived for 9 weeks and 1 day.

I know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, and that Emerson is in heaven with Jesus right now, perfectly healed and free, but something like this is still very sad for those left to miss her. But I guess that when we grieve over things she will never get to do here, opportunities she will never have, etc., we aren't really grieving for Emerson, we're grieving for ourselves, and the things that we will never get to experience with her because she isn't here. Because anything that Emerson might have experienced in 100 years here on earth, pales in comparison to what she is experiencing right now in heaven.

I guess maybe someone who recently lost a baby said what I'm sort of feeling best..."When Adam and Eve were created there was no sin in the world - no mess, no problems, no pain, no sickness, no death. God created humans with no intention of them dying. It's because of our affinity to doing the wrong thing that caused death in the world. I think that's why death is so hard for people to walk through. It's because we were never created to cope with death. We were created to live." (Susie Sams)

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."

Please pray for Emerson's mom and dad, and older brother Finn, who is only 12.5 months old.

Is anything too hard for the Lord

Is anything too hard for the Lord Genesis 18:14
This is God's loving challenge to you and me each day. He wants us to think of the deepest, highest and worthiest desires and longings of our hearts. He wants us to think of those things that perhaps were desires for ourselves or someone dear to us, yet have gone unfulfilled for so long that we now see them as simply lost desires. And God urges us to think for even the one thing that we once saw as possible but have given up all hope of seeing fulfilled in this life.That very thing, as long as it aligns with that we know to be His expressed will - as a son was to Abraham and Sarah - God intends to do for us. Yes, if we will let Him, God will do that very thing, even if we know it is such an utter impossibility that we would simply laugh at the absurdity of anyone ever suggesting it could come to pass."Is anything too hard for the LORD?" No, nothing is too difficult when we believe in Him enough to go forward doing His will and letting Him do the impossible for us. Even Abraham and Sarah could have blocked God's plan if they had continued to disbelieve.The only thing "Too hard for the LORD" is our deliberate and continual disbelief in His love and power, and our ultimate rejection of His plans for us. Nothing is impossible for Jehovah to do for those who trust Him.

from Messages for the Morning Watch; copied from Luke's blog

Always remember...

Always remember, when God made you He did so with a purpose and a plan. He saw all your days before you lived one of them and placed over you the covering of His protective love. He has allowed nothing to come into your life that has not first been screened through that love. His hand has remained upon you to this very day. He calls you by name. You are His beloved child... the apple of His eye... the delight of His heart. Today you are in the exact place He wants you to be, and tomorrow He will be with you as He has always been - in goodness, in kindness, in faithfulness.

The Runaway Bunny

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.
So he said to his mother, “I am running away.”
“If you run away,” said his mother, “I will run after you.
For you are my little bunny.”

“If you run after me,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a fish in a trout stream
and I will swim away from you.”

“If you become a fish in a trout stream,” said his mother,
“I will become a fisherman and I will fish for you.”

“If you become a fisherman,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a rock on the mountain, high above you.”

“If you become a rock on the mountain high above me,”
said his mother, “I will become a mountain climber,
and I will climb to where you are.”

“If you become a mountain climber,”
said the little bunny,
“I will be a crocus in a hidden garden.”

“If you become a crocus in a hidden garden,”
said his mother, “I will be a gardener. And I will find you.”

“If you are a gardener and find me,”
said the little bunny, “I will be a bird
and fly away from you.”

“If you become a bird and fly away from me,”
said his mother, “I will be a tree that you come home to.”

“If you become a tree,” said the little bunny,
“I will become a little sailboat,
and I will sail away from you.”

“If you become a sailboat and sail away from me,”
said his mother, “I will become the wind
and blow you where I want you to go.”

“If you become the wind and blow me,” said the little bunny,
“I will join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze.”

“If you go flying on a flying trapeze,” said his mother,
“I will be a tightrope walker,
and I will walk across the air to you.”

“If you become a tightrope walker and walk across the air,”
said the bunny, “I will become a little boy
and run into a house.”

“If you become a little boy and run into a house,”
said the mother bunny, “I will become your mother
and catch you in my arms and hug you.”

“Shucks,” said the bunny, “I might just as well
stay where I am and be your little bunny.”

And so he did.
“Have a carrot,” said the mother bunny.

I love this story because the relationship between Mother Bunny and her Little Bunny can easily be paralleled to the relationship God has with His children. No matter where the Little Bunny goes, where he tries to run away to or hide, what he attempts to become, Mother Bunny always knows how to find him and is right there for him. And in the end Little Bunny realizes being safe with Mother Bunny is the best place to be anyway. Just as God always knows where we are no matter how far we try to stray (intentionally or not), and one of His deepest desires is for us to come to the place of simply wanting to be “Little Bunnies.”

Psalm 139:7-10
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.