This week

I seriously don't feel like I can make it through the next week. My cat, Peter, has an inoperable brain tumor. It started out as him walking around the house randomly meowing for hours at a time about 7 weeks ago and has progressed to him turning in circles, having difficulty walking (left-sided hemiparesis), difficulty eating, blindness in his left eye and unilateral pupillary dilation (mydriasis), confusion, etc. My heart breaks for him. And I am experiencing all of this from afar. Petey is at my parents' house, 400 miles away. I'm glad he is there, he has lived there for his entire almost 13 years with his three adoring sisters (litter-mates). They were actually born on the roof of our house. I just wish I were there. Oh how desperately I wish I were there. At this point I just hope he lives long enough that I can see him one more time when I fly home this Friday. Five more days.
As if all that weren't hard enough, I have a week full of exams ahead of me. Exams that I have not studied nearly enough for and that I feel like I am about to miserably fail. And I already had some serious recovering to do from the last set of exams! Seriously, my life is just one big disaster right now.

I can't do this

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Coffee Shop Etiquette

1. Do not be obnoxiously loud. This includes overly loud talking, laughing, arguing, and rearranging. Whether I am studying or not is irrelevent.

2. Don't bring in take-out from other places. Especially if it smells.

3. PDA. Enough said. No one wants to see it.

4. If you bring your baby, don't ignore it while it screams in its stroller for 20 minutes. Furthermore, don't ignore your toddler while it runs around wild making a mess. This coming from someone who loves babies and has brought babies and toddlers to coffee shops, please consider those around you.

5. This is not an office. No one around you wants to hear you make dozens of business phone calls.

6. Don't take up multiple tables with massive amounts of stuff when the place is crowded. That is just rude.

7. If it looks like I am studying, I probably am. Therefore, I probably don't want to have a 30 minute conversation with some random person.

Protecting myself

Recently, I have found myself saying things like "If I'm still in med school after Christmas...", "If I don't pass these exams the school of medicine may not let me continue..." and such more and more often, even to people who don't know my history. And I was realizing this evening that it's because I'm scared, and I'm trying to protect myself as much as I can from the pain that I know is inevitable if I don't make it. Now, unlike other years, I think that there is actually a fairly strong possibility that I will make it.

While the thought of failing is scary, I realized tonight that passing is just a little bit scary too. I have only been this far once before. And pretty soon I will be in completely uncharted territory. A little bit scary, yes, but also a little exciting. I do really really want to succeed. More than ever before.

Choices

Every day of my life is filled with choices, from the moment I wake up in the morning till the time I fall asleep at night...


Do I sleep for 10 more minutes or get up and take a shower?


Do I really want to be on time to class or can I sleep for 15 more minutes?


Do I listen actively during class and take good notes, or do I {chat with my neighbor/text/journal/facebook/email} during class?


What about lunch? The options are practically endless here...bring food (although that choice would have had to be made way earlier, like back when I was deciding how long to sleep in), buy food from the vending machine, go out (alone or with friends), go home and eat, skip lunch altogether...


The afternoon...nap, study, facebook, run errands, clean? Again, endless options.


And then, do I work out or not?


When do I start studying, where do I study, and for how long?

The most productive day in recent history

Today I:
-Slept in
-Took a shower
-Went to church
-Patched 1 1/2 pairs of jeans
-Hung out with a friend
-Studied for 5 hours
-Took out the trash
-Cleaned the cat litter boxes
-Went to the gym
And am still going to bed at a decent hour. :)

Thankfulness, part 3

I am thankful for...

11-17-11
The Centennial Complex study rooms.

11-18-11
My physician mentor, Amy.

11-19-11
The older sister that God picked just for me and the wonderful example that she is to me.

11-20-11
The rain.

11-21-11
My anatomy lab group. They are so hilarious and fun.

11-22-11
Margaret.

11-23-11
A fun afternoon and evening with Will.

11-24-11
The best Thanksgiving ever, thanks to the class of 2015.

Thankfulness, part 2

I am thankful for…

11-9-11
Dr. Lewis. He is the reason that I am here and I love love love his lectures!

11-10-11
A fun study group and knowledgeable classmates.

11-11-11
Getting out of class one hour early (thank you Dr. Wilcox!).

11-12-11
Chris Adair, his amazing ability to explain heart sounds and murmurs, and his willingness to spend time helping me (in the midst of his very busy third year).

11-13-11
Getting to take a nap.

11-14-11
Dr. Oberg giving everyone credit for question #7 (meaning I am now passing embryo!).

11-15-11
A fun PDX cardio lab.

11-16-11
Dr. Shankel (she is so nice and encouraging!).

Thankfulness, part 1

I am thankful for…

11-1-11
An amazing friend who was willing to spend the night at my crazy messy house last night and help me study for exams this morning!

11-2-11
All the absolutely wonderful and amazingly supportive friends I have in med school this year. Best.Class.Ever. (And I seriously thought I would never say that after the Class of ___).

The fact that I am still passing cell structure and function.

11-3-11
Med school friends who are willing to go over stuff multiple times for me.

11-4-11
Being done with exams.

11-5-11
For sleep and good friends to hang out with.

11-6-11
All the babies I got to snuggle in the nursery today.

11-7-11
Dr. Wilcox (and the fact that he just threw out three exam questions, all of which I had gotten wrong, raising my score by 4%).

11-8-11
Getting to snuggle and play with Baby Joseph.

Will it be like this every single time?

I thought last time was the biggest deciding factor for my future in medical school and my career as a doctor. I passed all my exams last time, and now I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was in 5 weeks ago. Exept I haven't studied nearly as much for this set of exams. But I do have one entire set of passed exams behind me, so that's one positive thing I've got going for me. Even if I fail every single exam this round of tests, it won't be the end of the world. For me as a person (God still loves me regardless, and med school is not the most important thing in life, even if it feels like it sometimes) or for my career as a doctor (as in, my grades will technically all still be salvageable even if I fail everything). Not that I want to fail everything (or anything, for that matter), but it always helps me to put things in perspective.
This afternoon was the first time (maybe this entire school year?) that I really started feeling really anxious and kind of freaking out. But like I've realized before, anxiety and worry won't help one bit or change anything (unless it motivates me to study, and in my case it usually doesn't, it just paralyzes me with fear), so there's no reason to ruin this entire week by giving in to fear and anxiety.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." (Galatians 6:9)

Multitasking Fail

So yesterday afternoon I was babysitting and *planning* to study during the 7-month-old's long afternoon nap. When he flat out refused to nap, I improvised by studying on the day bed in his room while he played on the floor (I had tried studying on the floor with him but he was way too interested in my embryology book and notes). He was happy as long as I made eye contact and smiled at him every minute or so. All was going well until one of my regularly scheduled eye-contact-smiling moments...I went to look at him and he was gone. And seriously, this kid is barely mobile, not even crawling yet. I jumped up and started frantically looking for him (the room isn't that big!) and, after a few seconds of panic, found him under the bed - not just partway under, all the way under and back by the wall - playing with a surge protector. After I managed to drag him out from under there, I decided to forgo the studying...

The little trouble-maker

Embryology

1. A time when two heads are not better than one.
2. Two tails do not help this guy swim fast.
3. Obvious problems.
4. Bigger is not better.
5. Clearly out of luck.

Somehow, I thought it would be easier

I always thought that if only I could pass my first round of exams, I could get my confidence back and the rest of med school would be easy. Well, I passed everything (!!!), and while this makes me so happy and excited and relieved and thankful to God, it certainly hasn't made studying any easier. In fact, this past week has been my worst week of studying since school started (and I always thought I had trouble studying the week after exams because I had just failed everything). While I am feeling more confident (I can do this), I am still questioning myself...maybe I can only do the first set of material. The new material is harder, I'm not nearly as familiar with it, Anna isn't here anymore, etc. And I think more than anything, I'm just getting really tired/bored of studying. But I can do this...I just have to repeat what I did for the first quarter, right? :)

Threshold

1 : the plank, stone, or piece of timber that lies under a door : sill
2a : gate, door
b (1) : end, boundary; specifically : the end of a runway (2) : the place or point of entering or beginning : outset
3a : the point at which a physiological or psychological effect begins to be produced
b : a level, point, or value above which something is true or will take place and below which it is not or will not

The threshold is the potential that a cell must reach when depolarizing in order for an action potential to occur. The threshold is also the point or value that I must obtain on my exams this week in order for me to pass and for my career in medicine to continue...
I feel like I am kind of standing on a threshold, the threshold of my life, and that this week will determine a lot (but not everything, because, as Amy suggested, I'm giving myself till Christmas).
I didn't expect to like my med school class this much this year. I didn't expect to enjoy it this much. I didn't expect to make this many friends. Last year I didn't really care. This year I do, for more reasons than just my future as a doctor.
But, like my fellow student said on the way to chapel a few weeks ago, there's not really any reason to worry or be anxious, because it won't accomplish anything. It will just make me miserable and make my studying less productive. So I'm just going to do my best to not worry, trust God, and do the best that I can on exams this week.

Facebook, part 2

So I stayed off facebook completely for 6 days...I went back on because Friday the 26th was my sister's birthday and I wanted to wish her a happy birthday on fb. And the funny thing was, as I looked through all I had missed over the previous week (yes, I did indulge and let myself do more than just wish my sis a quick happy birthday) I found the whole experience to be incredibly anti-climactic. In fact, it was quite boring. No offense to any of my friends or anything, but all of the monumental things that I was imagining I must be missing all week just weren't happening. So all in all, I just confirmed that facebook is a huge time-waster filled with information that I really didn't need to know in the first place.

Facebook

On the eve of classes starting (Sunday night), I decided to give up Facebook for awhile, and that is the last time I logged in. It has only been three days, but it feels like a lot longer. I feel disconnected from everyone, and throughout the day I keep thinking of things that would be great for my fb status. But at the same time, FB had become a HUGE time-waster, plus I don't really need to know every time someone I barely even know anymore gets a haircut, goes to bed, has a bad day, makes dinner, etc. I guess the degree to which I am missing it just shows me how addicted I was.

It will be okay

Yesterday I restarted school. And at my appointment with Dr. Mar in the afternoon, I realized that whatever happens, I'll be okay with it either way. I didn't exactly want to go back to MS, and while I will be a little sad if I fail exams and have to stop, at the same time it will be a huge relief and then I will just be done. So it will be okay. And if I pass exams, well then that will be what I've always wanted. So that will be okay too. So now all I have to do is do my best for the next four weeks and not let myself get too anxious or stressed.

Dear 21-year-old Me,

Don't go home every weekend - soak up every minute of time you can living in Santa Barbara. You will miss it terribly once you're gone.
Drinking isn't all it's cracked up to be. At its best you'll waste money, act silly, and make yourself sick, and at its worst you'll put yourself in dangerous situations, break the law, do things you'll regret later, and make yourself violently ill.
You think life sucks now...just wait a few years.
You have the best parents in the world.
It will always be harder for you than for most people, but you will eventually learn to interact and make friends with people. You won't always be alone.
Please don't starve yourself. I know it makes you feel better, but the consequences really aren't worth it.
Oh yeah, and you can skip the cutting too. It won't provide any real relief.
Even though all you want is to be accepted to medical school, it just may be the most difficult and painful thing to ever happen to you.
Jason is a total loser and he doesn't really love or care about you. Don't give him your time or heart.
You don't need to drive 90mph everywhere. Besides the fact that you WILL get a speeding ticket, it just isn't safe.
Dating really isn't all that great - you won't miss out on anything if you wait a while before trying it.
As much as it may seem to be true, your self-worth really isn't based on the grades you get.
God loves you and cares about you more than you can imagine. Even if it doesn't always feel like it.

"Made to Praise"

LOVE this song!

Homemade Ice Cream in a bag

RECIPE INGREDIENTS:

2 tablespoons sugar
1 cup half and half (whole milk works too)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup salt (The bigger the granules, the better. Kosher or rock salt works best, but table salt is fine.)
Ice cubes (enough to fill each gallon-size bag about half full)
1 pint-size ziplock bag
1 gallon-size ziplock bag
1. Combine the sugar, half and half, and vanilla extract in the pint-size bag and seal it tightly.

2. Place the salt and ice in the gallon-size bag, then place the sealed smaller bag inside as well. Seal the larger bag. Now shake the bags until the mixture hardens (about 5 minutes). Feel the small bag to determine when it's done.

3. Take the smaller bag out of the larger one, add mix-ins, and eat the ice cream right out of the bag. Easy cleanup too! Serves 1.


~I used 1/2 cup unsweetened chocolate almond milk and 1 tsp butter instead of the 1 cup half and half...only because I didn't have any cream or milk and didn't want to go to the grocery store. It worked just fine and turned out delicious. :)