Monday, July 17, 2006
Excerpt from my journal
From yesterday: "When things happen, when I feel like something was my fault or I've messed up, I tend to beat myself up over it forever. Rehashing the incident over and over in my head trying to think how I could have (should have) prevented it, wishing I could go back in time and redo things. Then I try to convince myself that it wasn't really my fault, that people don't really think too badly of me for it. But then I realized on my way over [to Coffee Bean], but what if it was my fault, so what? That's what Jesus died on the cross for! No matter how careful I am, no matter how hard I try, I will always make mistakes occasionally, I will always mess up every so often, things will always be my fault once in a while. And I have to be okay with that. Because I am human, I am not, cannot be perfect. As a doctor I will end up making mistakes. With the autistic kids I do occasionally make mistakes. With friends I do sometimes say the wrong things. I don't always have the right answers or do things correctly in the biochem lab (i.e. Forgetting to run an ACN blank on the GC when I was done with samples Wed. and then worrying about Teleka being upset Thurs.). I overdrew my bank account this week. And, most recently, Noah bit Nolan in the nursery this morning, right in front of Nolan's mom Amber and Mary Ritter! And I was the most responsible, "in charge" person there...So of course I felt terrible and have been beating myself up and thinking they must think poorly of me ever since. But I can't just continually beat myself up for all these things. I am human, part of a fallen creation. I am not perfect. I cannot be perfect. But that's what Jesus died on the cross for! And even if I don't have a clean slate with man, the completely amazing thing is I can have a completely clean slate with Christ! He doesn't hold things against me! He forgives me and washes me white as snow. Which is just so awesome..."