Tomorrow...

This Gloria Estefan song says "But there's always tomorrow to start over again..." But it doesn't really work like that. I actually feel like tomorrow (or at least the concept of tomorrow) is my worst enemy. I am a chronic procrastinator. Every day when I waste time and don't get anything done, I end the day promising myself that tomorrow will be different, that I'll study tomorrow, be productive, get stuff done, make up for all the time I wasted today. And yet it never happens like that, because the next day I tell myself the same thing. "There's always tomorrow". And I guess there always will be. Except that every tomorrow is exactly like the one before. Which is why I never accomplish anything...

Coffee Shop Etiquette

1. Do not be obnoxiously loud. This includes overly loud talking, laughing, arguing, and rearranging. Whether I am studying or not is irrelevent.

2. Don't bring in take-out from other places. Especially if it smells.

3. PDA. Enough said. No one wants to see it.

4. If you bring your baby, don't ignore it while it screams in its stroller for 20 minutes. Furthermore, don't ignore your toddler while it runs around wild making a mess. This coming from someone who loves babies and has brought babies and toddlers to coffee shops, please consider those around you.

5. This is not an office. No one around you wants to hear you make dozens of business phone calls.

6. Don't take up multiple tables with massive amounts of stuff when the place is crowded. That is just rude.

7. If it looks like I am studying, I probably am. Therefore, I probably don't want to have a 30 minute conversation with some random person.

Protecting myself

Recently, I have found myself saying things like "If I'm still in med school after Christmas...", "If I don't pass these exams the school of medicine may not let me continue..." and such more and more often, even to people who don't know my history. And I was realizing this evening that it's because I'm scared, and I'm trying to protect myself as much as I can from the pain that I know is inevitable if I don't make it. Now, unlike other years, I think that there is actually a fairly strong possibility that I will make it.

While the thought of failing is scary, I realized tonight that passing is just a little bit scary too. I have only been this far once before. And pretty soon I will be in completely uncharted territory. A little bit scary, yes, but also a little exciting. I do really really want to succeed. More than ever before.

Will it be like this every single time?

I thought last time was the biggest deciding factor for my future in medical school and my career as a doctor. I passed all my exams last time, and now I feel like I am in the exact same spot I was in 5 weeks ago. Exept I haven't studied nearly as much for this set of exams. But I do have one entire set of passed exams behind me, so that's one positive thing I've got going for me. Even if I fail every single exam this round of tests, it won't be the end of the world. For me as a person (God still loves me regardless, and med school is not the most important thing in life, even if it feels like it sometimes) or for my career as a doctor (as in, my grades will technically all still be salvageable even if I fail everything). Not that I want to fail everything (or anything, for that matter), but it always helps me to put things in perspective.
This afternoon was the first time (maybe this entire school year?) that I really started feeling really anxious and kind of freaking out. But like I've realized before, anxiety and worry won't help one bit or change anything (unless it motivates me to study, and in my case it usually doesn't, it just paralyzes me with fear), so there's no reason to ruin this entire week by giving in to fear and anxiety.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)
"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." (Galatians 6:9)

Somehow, I thought it would be easier

I always thought that if only I could pass my first round of exams, I could get my confidence back and the rest of med school would be easy. Well, I passed everything (!!!), and while this makes me so happy and excited and relieved and thankful to God, it certainly hasn't made studying any easier. In fact, this past week has been my worst week of studying since school started (and I always thought I had trouble studying the week after exams because I had just failed everything). While I am feeling more confident (I can do this), I am still questioning myself...maybe I can only do the first set of material. The new material is harder, I'm not nearly as familiar with it, Anna isn't here anymore, etc. And I think more than anything, I'm just getting really tired/bored of studying. But I can do this...I just have to repeat what I did for the first quarter, right? :)

Threshold

1 : the plank, stone, or piece of timber that lies under a door : sill
2a : gate, door
b (1) : end, boundary; specifically : the end of a runway (2) : the place or point of entering or beginning : outset
3a : the point at which a physiological or psychological effect begins to be produced
b : a level, point, or value above which something is true or will take place and below which it is not or will not

The threshold is the potential that a cell must reach when depolarizing in order for an action potential to occur. The threshold is also the point or value that I must obtain on my exams this week in order for me to pass and for my career in medicine to continue...
I feel like I am kind of standing on a threshold, the threshold of my life, and that this week will determine a lot (but not everything, because, as Amy suggested, I'm giving myself till Christmas).
I didn't expect to like my med school class this much this year. I didn't expect to enjoy it this much. I didn't expect to make this many friends. Last year I didn't really care. This year I do, for more reasons than just my future as a doctor.
But, like my fellow student said on the way to chapel a few weeks ago, there's not really any reason to worry or be anxious, because it won't accomplish anything. It will just make me miserable and make my studying less productive. So I'm just going to do my best to not worry, trust God, and do the best that I can on exams this week.

Facebook, part 2

So I stayed off facebook completely for 6 days...I went back on because Friday the 26th was my sister's birthday and I wanted to wish her a happy birthday on fb. And the funny thing was, as I looked through all I had missed over the previous week (yes, I did indulge and let myself do more than just wish my sis a quick happy birthday) I found the whole experience to be incredibly anti-climactic. In fact, it was quite boring. No offense to any of my friends or anything, but all of the monumental things that I was imagining I must be missing all week just weren't happening. So all in all, I just confirmed that facebook is a huge time-waster filled with information that I really didn't need to know in the first place.

Facebook

On the eve of classes starting (Sunday night), I decided to give up Facebook for awhile, and that is the last time I logged in. It has only been three days, but it feels like a lot longer. I feel disconnected from everyone, and throughout the day I keep thinking of things that would be great for my fb status. But at the same time, FB had become a HUGE time-waster, plus I don't really need to know every time someone I barely even know anymore gets a haircut, goes to bed, has a bad day, makes dinner, etc. I guess the degree to which I am missing it just shows me how addicted I was.

It will be okay

Yesterday I restarted school. And at my appointment with Dr. Mar in the afternoon, I realized that whatever happens, I'll be okay with it either way. I didn't exactly want to go back to MS, and while I will be a little sad if I fail exams and have to stop, at the same time it will be a huge relief and then I will just be done. So it will be okay. And if I pass exams, well then that will be what I've always wanted. So that will be okay too. So now all I have to do is do my best for the next four weeks and not let myself get too anxious or stressed.

Giving people the benefit of the doubt

On my way home from work today, I came very close to getting into a car accident when a lady pulled out right in front of me on a busy street (hence I was going about 40 mph). As I slammed on the brakes and honked the horn simultaneously, the lady quickly realized and pulled into the other lane. And then she slowed down her car, and mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to me. I nodded and smiled and said "It's okay" and we continued on our way. And it made me realize, so often when someone cuts us off or nearly causes an accident, we are quick to think "What an idiot!" or at the very least "What a terrible driver!" When in reality most of the time those kinds of things are a mistake. I make mistakes too, I've unintentionally cut people off or pulled in front of someone before. So from now I (and I already try to do this a lot anyway) I'm just going to assume it was a mistake and not think badly of the other driver or get mad. We all make mistakes.

Seize the Day

My hands were busy through the day
I didn't have much time to play
The little games you asked me to,
I didn't have much time for you.
I'd wash your clothes, I'd sew and cook,
But when you'd bring your picture book
And asked me please to share your fun,
I'd say,"A little later, Son."
I'd tuck you in all safe at night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door...
I wish I'd stayed a minute more.

For life is short, the years rush past...
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play,
No good-night kiss, no prayers to hear,
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still.
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back and do
The little things you asked me to!

"Your Father loves you!"

About a month ago the pastor at my church gave a sermon on finding God in difficult times and how He helps us through trials and is there in our pain. At the end Pastor Dane told the story about Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter Maria getting run over (and killed) by his 17-year-old son Will back in May, the night before Will was to graduate highschool. And Pastor Dane said that when Will ran over Maria, he ran and grabbed his sister and held her and screamed for his parents for help. And since they live in the country, a helicopter came to airlift Maria to Vanderbilt. And as Steven went to get into the helicopter with Maria, knowing she was probably going to die because of the severity of her injuries, he called out, "Will! Your father loves you!" And when asked about it later, he said, "I didn't want to lose two children that night." And when Will was asked how he has gotten through this most difficult time, he said through the love and support of his parents and family. And Pastor Dane said it's like that with God. In the midst of our most difficult times, He's calling out to us, "Your Father loves you!"

The End of the Spear

I watched this movie, about Jim Elliott, Nate Saint, and the others who gave their lives witnessing to the Waodani people in Ecaudor in the 1950's. I know the story well; I've known it since I was little. But for some reason, while watching this movie, something struck me differently...at one point, Nate Saint's little boy asks him if he will defend himself if the Waodani attack. And he says something like, "No, we can't. The Waodani aren't ready to meet the Lord. We are." And just like that, these five brave missionaries gave their lives, not fighting back when the Waodani attacked them, even though they had guns with them. Because they were ready to meet Christ, and they knew that their attackers were not.
Given the same opportunity, I don't know if I could do the same. I can only hope so.

Rich

Beauty for Ashes?

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me...to grant consolation & joy to those who mourn in Zion - to give them a garland of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a heavy, burdened, & failing spirit - that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61.1 & 3

These past several years have been so difficult in so many ways. If I could have known three years ago at the start of medical school, or five years ago when I started at Westmont, where I would be today, I don't think I could have handled it. In fact, I know I couldn't have. There is a reason we cannot see or know what the future holds. At this point, consider how the past few years have been, I wouldn't want to know the future even if I could. I keep waiting for the "beauty for ashes", to see how this puzzle fits together, to figure out the why of all this pain. But I may never know this side of heaven, and things may never get any better or easier...Which is kind of hard to swallow

Romans 8

Romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"
Isn't this a powerful verse? I've been meditating on Romans 8 for the past month or so, and am really trying to take this verse (and the rest of the passage) to heart. We are completely forgiven and free in Christ. I struggle so much with condemning myself for every little thing I do (or don't do), that I often fail to experience Christ's acceptance and grace. I feel like it's a balance though, between being conscious of my sin and yet not weighing myself down with guilt. I am already completely acceptable and pleasing to God, because of Christ's death on the cross and forgiveness for my sin. Now I just have to figure out how to accept myself...

This week...

Has been kind of exhausting. I was out of town last weekend, and just feel like I have so much to catch up on from the past couple weeks. And I haven't been sleeping that well...

Yesterday I tried going to Fox to work on some stuff, but only lasted about an hour, and then went home and took a nap. Then I worked late afternoon/evening. I go back and forth these days between work being a "have to" or a "get to". I love my job, honestly I do, it's just sometimes I am so tired in the late afternoon/evening, and especially as it gets toward 8:30 I am just ready to be done.

Butterscotch caught a bird yesterday morning, which made me sad. But I think it was okay, because the bird flew away when I wasn't looking. Butterscotch and Caramel are indoor only cats, but occasionally I let Butterscotch play on the porch when she wants to...well, not any more though!

Emerson Grace

The youth pastor at my church, Jason, and his wife, Kristin, had their second baby on January 6, 2008, at just 26 weeks gestation, 14 weeks premature. She weighed just 2 lbs. 2.4 oz, and was 13.78 inches long at birth. Emerson fought hard, and was doing well until Sunday afternoon, when she developed NEC (necrotizing enterocolitis) and her bowel perforated, and she died Monday at 12:20pm. She weighed 4 lbs. 14 oz. when she died, and prior to the sudden complications would have gotten to go home in another week or so. She lived for 9 weeks and 1 day.

I know that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, and that Emerson is in heaven with Jesus right now, perfectly healed and free, but something like this is still very sad for those left to miss her. But I guess that when we grieve over things she will never get to do here, opportunities she will never have, etc., we aren't really grieving for Emerson, we're grieving for ourselves, and the things that we will never get to experience with her because she isn't here. Because anything that Emerson might have experienced in 100 years here on earth, pales in comparison to what she is experiencing right now in heaven.

I guess maybe someone who recently lost a baby said what I'm sort of feeling best..."When Adam and Eve were created there was no sin in the world - no mess, no problems, no pain, no sickness, no death. God created humans with no intention of them dying. It's because of our affinity to doing the wrong thing that caused death in the world. I think that's why death is so hard for people to walk through. It's because we were never created to cope with death. We were created to live." (Susie Sams)

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him."

Please pray for Emerson's mom and dad, and older brother Finn, who is only 12.5 months old.

So sad

Last night as I was getting off the freeway on my way to work, I noticed a man and woman at the side of the off ramp...the man was holding a side saying something about Homeless, need help, and was woman was sitting down HOLDING A BABY!!! I did a double take (the light was red, so I had a minute to look), to see if the baby was actually real...she had it wrapped in a blanket and was giving it a bottle...and the baby's eyes blinked, so I knew it was real. And it made me so sad. I really wanted to do something to help, anything, but what??? And I had to get to work...As I drove the final 7 or so minutes to work, I pondered in my head things I could have done/could do for these people...I couldn't take them anywhere in my car - way too dangerous. I could offer to buy them food at Del Taco, just down the street from where they were. Money? But what would they do with it? I didn't really want to do that. Formula or something for the baby? But they could sell it on the black market. Oh man, I overthink absolutely everything! I could connect them with my church and someone there could help them (there's a large park where homeless people live across the street from my church, so the church has helped people out before). But how to get them there...
I knew they wouldn't still be standing out there at 8:30 pm when I got off work. But I did check again this morning when I was coming home from the chiropractor (I don't usually take that offramp when I'm just going home, but I did specifically). They weren't there, so who knows if I'll see them again...I can at least pray for them though...